Holistic Macintosh

Ordering pizza in 2008…

OPERATOR: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?

CUSTOMER: Hi, I’d like to place an order.

OPERATOR: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

CUSTOMER: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s
6102049998-45-54610.

OPERATOR: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone Number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is
sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

CUSTOMER: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?

OPERATOR: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.

CUSTOMER: The HSS, what is that?

OPERATOR: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add
only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

CUSTOMER: (sighs) Oh well, I’d like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.

OPERATOR: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.

CUSTOMER: Whaddya mean?

OPERATOR: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve
got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.

CUSTOMER: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

OPERATOR: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.

CUSTOMER: What makes you think I’d like something like that?

OPERATOR: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local
library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.

CUSTOMER: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

OPERATOR: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your
2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

CUSTOMER: Lemme give you my credit card number.

OPERATOR: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit.

CUSTOMER: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets
here.

OPERATOR: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn
also.

CUSTOMER: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?

OPERATOR: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward.

CUSTOMER: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

OPERATOR: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank
yesterday.

CUSTOMER: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

OPERATOR: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July
4, 2003conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see
here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional
Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

CUSTOMER: (speechless)

OPERATOR: Will there be anything else, sir?

CUSTOMER: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..

OPERATOR: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.